23 Dec

Why Bother With Books? School Lockers Really Should Become Gun Lockers



by Helen Philpot


Margaret, when someone comes at you with a gun, respond with a gun. And when someone comes at you with a bigger gun, don’t mess around – trade up to a semi-automatic assault rifle with a hi-capcity clip. Fight violence with more violence. That’s cleary the only way to respond to the horror in Connecticut… if you’re a dipshit from the NRA.

Are they bullshitting us? Some peckerwood named Wayne LaPierre at the National Rifle Association announced that the NRA would form the National School Shield Emergency Response Program. And by that he means “armed security” at every school. I don’t know Margaret, NSSERP doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily as NRA. This from the people who came up with “Trigger the Vote” as a voter registration slogan for the last election. I guess I expected better.

According to LaPierre, “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” Clearly the idea of not having access to the gun in the first place escapes LaPierre, but with a name like that I can see why he became infatuated with guns in the first place. Of course, asking the NRA for a solution to gun violence is like asking Wal-Mart for a solution to big box stores. Somehow having more of them was going to be a given. I wonder if LaPierre knew that just such a security person was on duty at Columbine High School in 1999? My guess would be that fact was overlooked by Mr. LaPierre considering he spends most of his time with his head up his ass.

But really, what the hell do I know? I am just a stupid old woman whose biggest claim to fame is cooking almost anything in bacon grease. But even I can grasp the concept that guns designed to shoot 30 bullets in 10 seconds or 100 rounds without reloading have no business being sold in the first place. Holding gun owners accountable for storing their guns safely from those not legally allowed to use them doesn’t require much deep thought either. Creating a market where bullets are more expensive than a McDonald’s hamburger might be worth considering as well. This is not rocket science. However, I am sure if the NRA were totally honest, they would admit to wanting a few rocket launchers on the school lawn as well. I hear that in addition to killing bad guys they can take out a lot of deer with one launch.

If we follow the logic of LaPierre, we need armed security at elementary schools, middle schools, high schools, college campuses, movie theatres, malls, churches, office buildings, grocery stores, parades… I guess the NRA needs to create the National Everywhere Shield Emergency Response Program (NESERP). Now that has a nice ring to it. Sadly, with almost 300 million guns in America, we’re already there thanks to the lobbying efforts of the NRA.

Mr. LaPeirre also called on Congress to create “an active national database of the mentally ill”. I couldn’t agree more. The first name on that list can be his. I mean it. Really.


Helen, dear, did you know you can buy a Smith & Wesson M&P 15-22 designed and built as a true .22 LR semi-auto from the ground up, with all the standard operating features and accessory specifications of a modern-version centerfire M&P15 rifle in various colors including “Pink and Platinum”? It could match my outfit. I hear they’ll even throw in a few hi-capacity magazines for free. Honey, you just can’t separate a discussion on gun control from one on mental illness. They kind of go hand in hand. LaPeirre is just one more asshat to add to our list of many.

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