07 Apr

Assassinated Red Menace Dictator Dumped into The AuSable

Originally Reported May, 2005

By The McGlynn

The Irrelevant Press reported this morning that General Sciurus Vulgaris, dictator of the Red Menace, was assassinated by a bullet to the head while eating lunch on the banks of the AuSable at noon on April 30, the most holy of days in this year’s calendar. It is reported that the General’s mind had been affected for a long time by the virus parapox, giving him a false sense of security. The parapox spreading program was initiated two years ago under the direct orders of President Sciurus Carolinensis, the leader of the rebellious Greys. The President was quoted saying at that time that all means, including the Greys’ natural borne parapox, was to be employed in the annihilation of the Red Menace.

A year ago, with victory still in doubt, Carolinensis ordered the introduction of Viagra as a food supplement for his army, contributing to a dramatic increase in the army’s numbers and a satisfied barracks’ life for the troops. Another tactic used was the introduction of truckloads of salted shelled peanuts for his troops; the salt being required for the survival of his army of Greys but anathema to the Red Menace. Caches of peanuts were stored underground for winter sustenance.

Carolinensis has denied Vulgaris all funeral rights and has denied a request for his body from the Sciurus Vulgaris of Great Britain, where the struggle between the Greys and the Red Menace continues unabated. Rumor has it that the body was mistakenly buried but was dug up by a battalion of Greys and, following a massive celebration and a torch parade led by Carolinensis under a banner proclaiming “Mission Accomplished”, dumped the remains into the AuSable river at midnight.

The assassination of Vulgaris could mean the death knell of the Red Menace and the complete return of the AuSable country to a stable democracy under Carolinensis. Under his leadership a clandestine program of rendition was enacted whereby dissident Greys are sent to Great Britain where they must join the Greys in the battle against the Red Menace or face extermination or sterilization at the hands of the Red Menace, assisted by the British Government.

(The BBC reports that the Ministry of Agriculture and the Forestry Commission has given financial incentives to those killing the Greys. Cartridges are issued free to approved grey squirrel clubs; for those operating independently, a quid was given per tail sent to the county pest officer in bundles of six. Some relished the thought of using new poisons, ICI explosives, gas, and elaborate traps against the grey offenders. Boys are allegedly removing tails from live squirrels. The Forestry commission advised enticing the Greys into sacks to kill them (probably haphazardly) through a blow to the head with a cricket bat. A member of the House of Lords has called for the Greys to be ’shot on sight’ in an effort to keep their numbers under control.

“We must revert to a policy of shooting on sight,” said Viscount Brookborough. “I accept that we would not wipe them out, but where we are we have found that the best way of control.”
Baroness Farrington outlined government plans for a sterilization program for the Greys (calling them grey bushy-tailed menaces) in order to keep their numbers at bay. “What we are doing is working, and hoping, through sponsoring via the Forestry Commission, a project at Sheffield University, that within three years of testing we may have developed a successful sterilization program”. (See “The British Have Gone Mad” below.

In a wide rambling celebration speech President Carolinensis again addressed the danger that the Vulgaris in Great Britain pose to the Grey Nation. Stating that the weapons of mass destruction that Great Britain possess and are providing the Vulgaris are an imminent threat he went on to say: “The folks who conducted to act on our country made a big mistake. They underestimated our nation of Greys. They underestimated our resolve, our determination, our love for freedom. They misunderestimated the fact that we love a neighbor in need. They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the President, too.
The enemy understands a free Sciurus will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred. That’s why they’re fighting so vociferously. The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Sciurus want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.
As you know, we don’t have relationships with Great Britain. I mean, that’s — ever since the late ’80s, we have no contacts with them, and we’ve totally sanctioned them. In other words, there’s no sanctions — you can’t — we’re out of sanctions.
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our Grey citizens, and neither do we.
Believing that security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace, we will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That’s why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental — supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel.
We ended the rule of one of history’s worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the Greys, we made our own Greys more secure.
You’re free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it’ll take time to restore chaos and order — order out of chaos. But we will. We hold dear what our Carolinensis Sciurus Declaration of Independence says, that all have got uninalienable rights, endowed by a Creator.
Soon we will have an election. Who could have possibly envisioned an erection — an election in our land at this point in history?”

To the Vulgaris terrorists the President had this to say:
“My answer is bring them on. And in my judgment, when the the Grey Nation says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn’t serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences. Further the notion that the Grey Nation is getting ready to attack Great Britain is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table. I’m the commander — see, I don’t need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being president.”

As he left the stage the President greeted a former soldier saying “I’m honored to shake the hand of a brave Grey who had his hand cut off by Vulgaris”

The elderly Vulgaris, one-time AuSable Country vagabond who rose to be the dictator of the Red Menace , and the scourge of the Greys, was, like many of the world’s dictators, a product of civil chaos which brought Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini to power. The Sciurus Famine of the ‘80s was such a chaos, leading to the titanic struggle over AuSable’s food supply which paved the way for Vulgaris’s domination in the former mighty AuSable land of the Greys.

Before the climax of a brutal career unparalleled in Sciurus history, he had subdued the Greys, imported the Red Menace Army and created a social and economic system founded upon the complete subjection of the populace to his will in all basic features of social, political, economic and cultural life. His depravity knew no bounds, even ordering his army to bite the private parts off their victims

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